So...seriously....I'm losing my marbles. I didn't have many to begin with so the ones I'm losing now are valuable! I'm having a slump of a time here with the kiddos and well myself for that matter. I'm ready to start trekking up that mountain and get out of this valley but I fear I'm still near the bottom.
I'm going to venture out there and make a statement that might just be crazy but hey, I'm crazy right? Here it goes... I think I would trade back the teenage hormones for this emotional hoopla I now have! It's like a cross between pre-menopause, crazy lady and wack job all in one. Oh and part man since I've reverted back to the can't cry stage again...Sounds fun huh?
I'm starting to wonder if my kids are thriving on watching me go crazy...I have seriously never been this stretched and this disappointed in myself in all my 27 almost 28 years of my pea pickin' life. I feel like I'm a record player that keeps going er er...er er...er er... or whatever sound a record player makes when it gets stuck...It's like I know the answers and I know how I should act and respond and be but I keep failing at it. And sure it's not down in the dumps all the time. Some days are worse than others. Some days I feel like Whooo! I think we are turning a corner. And then BAM...Back to square one. I don't like that I know I should start my day in the Word and cling to Jesus in these times of poopiness but it's like I'm bummed in the fact that I know I still stink at it and I feel like when I do start off good and then fall later that day then I'm so disappointing to Him. And again, I know the right answers...I know that's not how He views me and I know He loves me but good golly I'm having a hard time loving even myself!
And then there's the wave of a million emotions that comes on right after I start feeling down. It's the "Suck it up Tara, You are so Blessed, Get a Grip" emotional trip I get on. It begins by all the above feelings like I'm just failing and blah blah blah and then flips to...I have it so good. I'm so blessed and what a loser I am for acting like this is so hard and not embracing this time of my kiddos lives. (During this trip, mind you, I also go through the how I need to be reaching out to others and serving and giving more of my time and money to things that matter and taking my kiddos along while I do it) And then I wind my trip up with the whole dust it under the rug and smooth out my crinkles in my skirt or shirt and pick myself up and forget about it and go through the motions and get right back to where I left off.
I wish there was a book. You know a child raising book or heck a pill would be awesome! You know one that tells you what to do with kiddos from ages 18 months-4 and 5 years old. Most the books I have found are pretty much how you deal with kids who are like 5 and up. You know that understand and communicate in full sentences. Who when you say No, they either stop doing what they are doing or you put them in time out or spank them once and they learn the lesson. Hmmm...Not mine. I am going to be a pro when I have 6 and 7 year olds who I will give one of two choices and they can choose. If they don't do it then I take away something the enjoy or their toy. Seems like it will work. But this age...the age they are at RIGHT NOW...come on peeps! I need a BOOK! Or at least figure it out so I can write a book and tell all the other moms who are going crazy with me that you are not alone! Let's be crazy together! But hang on, I want to be sane!! Not crazy!! You know what I mean? I mean what the heck do you do with two kids who once you tell them No or spank them or whatever you do and then they follow you screaming at a decibel that is hurting your sensitive ears and then proceed to follow you around the house when you are trying to ignore them and go into another room. Heck I've tried putting them in their room and they can get out! I need a lock on the outside or what? I've locked MYSELF into my room and they just bang and scream even louder and that doesn't help either of us.
So...all that to say...Yeah....I don't know what it was all to say. Maybe just to get it off my chest. Maybe if I could just cry and eat a whole pint of ice cream and not feel fat afterwards.
All that to say....I guess...Pray for me. I'll pray for you other moms too. And if you have any tips or magic you have aquired that you want to share...please do. If it works when I try it I might even pay you. ;)
Whew...
I need some chocolate....
9 comments:
AMEN! Oh boy I think its just this age. I was telling my mom how sometimes I just don't think I can take it any more. She agrees with me that Josephine is a very strong willed child, more so than any of us were. Oh goodie! I bought a book about time outs so I needs to sit down and read it because I read just one chapter and it mentioned that unfortunately at this age they need to be disciplined over and over and over again because they don't understand what they are being punished for right off the bat. But trying to get josephine to sit down during time out is pretty much impossible. When she goes beserk i go beserk. I will definitely pray for you! Also I think you should set some time aside just for yourself. Talk to Chris about it. For your time you could read go for a walk etc. I'm trying to get into the habit of taking a bit of time for myself but somedays it just doesn't happen. love you mucho!
Love you.
If it makes you feel better, I am not preggo, don't have kids, and I cry all the time feeling sorry for myself, and trust me, I don't have it bad all.
I just have it out, and then I'm laughing and fine, but it's back soon enough.
Hormonies (Like 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding')
Praying for you and love you!
tara... you ok? love you!!
you can do it... WHATEVER it is... you can do it!! And God isn't waiting for you to measure up - just remember he's waiting for you to call Him Emmanuel. He loves you more than you love your self in moments of despair and frustration... He's not surprised when you fall short, and in that love your heart will be free...
Kind of mushy... but true!!
Love you friend!!
Tara, are you in MOPS?
Oh man, I have days where I feel like I'm going crazy with my sleep hating almost 1 year old...and I have the same feelings: "I'm blessed beyond my imagination, but I get so frustrated and worn out."
The good days and the smiles make it all worth the frustrating moments though.
I'm not dealing with the toddler age (yet...) but that does sound frustrating :( Praying for yoU! You are a GREAT mother and those babies are lucky to have you :)
oh, and abigail is Abby M.
you are definitely not alone. i have no extra words of wisdom that you don't already "know." just know that you are not alone in your journey or your feelings. they are NOT invalid or necessarily wrong. just keep trying. keep loving. keep waking up everyday and ask to be filled with grace anew and extend that grace to your babies.
love you and wish we were walking through this together!
I wish I was there to give you a big hug! I feel like I'm on the same emotional roller coaster ride as you, I'm just sitting a few seats behind you. I know what I need to do. I know what God expects me to do. But I feel so unmotivated and so comfortable doing absolutely nothing. It's a terrible phase to be in. I'll be praying for you my friend!
Thanks for your honesty and here's a big *hug*. I don't have the answers, but I can say that you are not alone. In those weak moments, I cry to Jesus. He hears. After all, He is the only One who can really make the difference, and He is the one who can make these tears into an abundant river of joy in your life. He is also the one who gave these two toddlers to you, for your refinement. You're just in the thick of it and it's really hard to see beyond it... but He can, and your weakness is where He is made strong. Love you...
Leah
What an honest blog! I have been feeling this way for the past couple of weeks...I'm actually really relieved to hear that other mothers out there are going through the same thing.
Rebecca Hewitt
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